So I went to see perinatologist yesterday to talk about *gulp* another pregnancy. What would my risk factors be for delivering 2 months early again? Anything I can do to avoid it? Turns out there's not much I can do. 20% chance I'll deliver that early again, or 10% chance with a certain hormone drug. And monitoring and the potential for bedrest. That's it. No guarantees, no answers as to why this happened to me and Brennan this time.
It's taken me a good six months to get to this point where I'd even consider another baby - Brennan's birth was very traumatic. I wasn't sure I wanted to take the risk again. But there's a growing desire in me to have another child - less for me, although it would be so wonderful to have a little girl, or another amazing little boy - but more for Brennan. So he can have a sibling to love, play with, fight with, commiserate with, grow with, and be family after Eric and I are gone.
The appointment was a necessary step for in this process for me then. Even though the reality is, if I have another pregnancy, it will either go smoothly, or it won't. That's just life. And wow, as a mom, I am realizing more and more that life is full of things to scare you. Just last week a mom, her six-week old baby, and 18 month old child were in a horrible car accident. The mom died on the scene. The baby died in the arms of its grandparent. The toddler is in critical condition. And the dad was out of the country when it happened. Accidents, illness, crime, mistakes, pain, loss - life is filled with the potential for any of these to happen at any moment.
Eric has been reading Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr. He beat me to it. And after telling him about the appointment, he shared this thought from the book: It's a horrible thing to live a life ruled by fear. It's constricting, paralyzing. He should know - much of his life has been ruled by fear. His advice - if we want to have another baby, we should have another baby. This coming from my odds-weighing, fact-analyzing, caution-filled husband? But he's right.
The chance that things could go poorly again shouldn't stop us. It doesn't stop me from getting in the car with Brennan every day. It doesn't stop me from letting Eric leave every day for work and some days for sailing. It doesn't stop me from eating food that perhaps isn't the healthiest for me on occasion (okay, more than "on occasion"). Do I want to live a full life of chances taken, opportunities seized, of moments lived fully or a carefully ordered life that safely avoids any chance that I might lose control, forgetting that control is an illusion anyway?
I think I have my answer on that.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
The days can be long.
It's 6pm. Is he napping? Nope. I'm hearing little noises in the monitor....
(later)
The days can be long lately. Even with an activity in a given day - visiting a friend, going grocery shopping, going for a morning walk or run - the late afternoon and early evening hours seem to stretch out too far. And I feel alone. Eric gets home usually just in time to hold Brennan a minute, change his diaper, feed him, and put him to bed. Until then, I have to try to figure out what to do with this dear little guy who doesn't want to play on his playmat, doesn't want to have a book read to him, doesn't want to watch Gilmore Girls with Mommy, doesn't want to be held, doesn't want to be put down, and doesn't want to nap. It's not that he's crying or screaming or anything. He's just tiring.
I feel lost sometimes. I'd like to blog, but I am never sure if I'll have the time or not - will he nap longer than 40 minutes? Or should I nap? Or should I do some laundry? Or prepare some dinner? My sister-in-law is taking a photo a day - almost every one gorgeous and artistic and creative. I'm hardly taking photos of Brennan, much less anything else. It's hard when he can't sit up yet and mostly hates tummy time longer than 2 minutes.
Today I went into his room while he was napping, picked him up, and just rocked with him for 20 minutes or so. Cried a little bit. And smiled some. It was a nice moment in the long day.
(later)
The days can be long lately. Even with an activity in a given day - visiting a friend, going grocery shopping, going for a morning walk or run - the late afternoon and early evening hours seem to stretch out too far. And I feel alone. Eric gets home usually just in time to hold Brennan a minute, change his diaper, feed him, and put him to bed. Until then, I have to try to figure out what to do with this dear little guy who doesn't want to play on his playmat, doesn't want to have a book read to him, doesn't want to watch Gilmore Girls with Mommy, doesn't want to be held, doesn't want to be put down, and doesn't want to nap. It's not that he's crying or screaming or anything. He's just tiring.
I feel lost sometimes. I'd like to blog, but I am never sure if I'll have the time or not - will he nap longer than 40 minutes? Or should I nap? Or should I do some laundry? Or prepare some dinner? My sister-in-law is taking a photo a day - almost every one gorgeous and artistic and creative. I'm hardly taking photos of Brennan, much less anything else. It's hard when he can't sit up yet and mostly hates tummy time longer than 2 minutes.
Today I went into his room while he was napping, picked him up, and just rocked with him for 20 minutes or so. Cried a little bit. And smiled some. It was a nice moment in the long day.
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